I am dying and I don't know what to do.
I read about a group of kids my age who took a bus trip in the '60s or something when whites and african americans were segregated on buses. They knew it was wrong and did something about it. They purposefully mixed it up and had blacks and whites sitting in the "wrong spots" on the bus, where whites were in back and blacks in front. But a bunch of the police who were also part of the KKK would meet these buses at the station and beat everyone who came out, or at least turn a blind eye for a good twenty minutes while everyone else beat them. There's this one white guy who knew the violence would be waiting for them and he intentionally was the first person to walk off the bus, so he could take the most of the violence and let the others get away.
He is like......great. It is so cool that someone risked them self like that for others. In today's selfish society, I'm proud of myself if I share some of my ice cream with my bandmate.
And when i get like this...inspired, convicted, crazy, etc., I always turn to writing. I think "What can i do to be great too?" And writing a blog in the comfort of my hotel room is much less dirty then asking the homeless dude in the wheelchair if i can pray for him. So yeah, I figure i can just inspire everybody else to do the work, and that way i can answer to God and be like " i got all these other people to do all these great things, so i should get a prize right? A balloon or something?"
I don't want to inspire people by my writing, or my thoughts! I want to inspire them by my freaking life! This shallow business of self preservation is exhausting. I let myself get held back for fear of dirt, vomit, blood, scars. I'm scared to talk the homeless guy at all because what if I get hurt? A young white female surely shouldn't talk to strangers. Leave that for the strong able bodied men. What if i get kidnapped or raped when i help someone, or i die? I can't save the world with my hit songs then can i?
Such stupid, predictable, tired fear. If i keep living this way, I will look super pretty when I'm dead but i'd rather have wrinkles and cracked hands and calloused knees and missing organs.